Without being continually harrassed and badgered about it for simply asking for *some* advice and support over issues which *may* seem “trivial” to some but are of worry to those of us who follow the news (which many parents these days cannot as they are too busy with their “careers”).
Examples : Teflon-coated clothing has *not* been proved to be safe – that is why the “cargo shorts” that my daughter-in-law bought for my eldest grandson last Summer for school were labelled “stain defence” *not* teflon (and they were not suitable for schoolwear anyhow).
Children *do* need an adequate amount of sleep for healthy growth and also a bedtime routine which ideally should not be changed for weekends or even holidays as patterns need to be set.
Children should not sleep in just underpants as it gets cold at night (even in Summer) and if they kick off the bedclothes they could get a chest infection – that is why pyjamas were invented!
I could go on but please could other Grandparents and decent parents too try to see things from a (loving)Grandparents point of view?
Given that I sucessfully raised four boys on my own don’t I at least deserve some respect from my daughter-in-law and other modern-day parents? -
The “Disneyworld Thing” is nothing to do with me – it is one of the childish,inconsiderate “clones” attacking me.
I have one indentity and one only and my joining date is 30 December 2007 not last night!
I also don’t see why an *eight*-year-old should have to do an hour or more homework *every* night and more at weekends too – teachers should be brought to book over that too as well as the parents who listen to their “advice”.
At eight year’s of age my boys were out playing in the fresh air not slaving over books – plenty of time for that later in life!
yes i think Grandparents should have the right to be concerned about there grandchild’s welfare because it shows they care and love u.
These points can be understandable. It’s okay to give your advice once, do not hound your daughter-in-law about it. However, the disneyworld thing IS rediculas!
I don’t know your daughter-in-law’s personality but I would say you were heading for disaster. Yes you are concerned for your grand child BUT it’s not your affair. Unless she is actually abusing him you should keep your nose out and let her get on with it. It’s her child, not yours – you had the joy of raising your kids so let her!
She knows her kid more than anyone and unless she’s completely psychotic she wouldn’t allow him to be cold at night or go to school in shorts that will eat into his flesh or whatever crazy over-the top notion you have going on inside your head. I wore teflon at school, so did my siblings, we still have the use of our legs and are doing just fine.
If you keep going on at her you could potentially **** her off enough to stop you seeing your grandchildren and she has the RIGHT to do that!
one thing that annoys me is when children are taken off their cracked out abusive mothers and then given to the grandmother to be taken care of – the grandmother obviously did a **** job at raising her daughter so the cycle which just keep going round!
Grandparents have no more rights then anybody else dont pick faults with parents way of raising child or you will lose them all and then you will not be able to have any contact with grandchildren then if they do want your help you will not be there for them
Yes, grandparents definitely have a right to be concerned about their grandchildren’s welfare. But you do really need to pick your battles. Your daughter in law is not abusing or neglecting your grandsons. You may not agree with everything she does, but everyone has different ways of raising their kids, and different does not equal wrong.
Also, don’t forget your son is involved here, who you raised, and if you raised him so successfully, you should not be worried how he is raising his own children.
You may get better reactions if you go through your son, rather than your daugther in law if you have a concern. From what I see that you write here, you come across sounding very critical towards your daughter in law, and respect goes BOTH ways.
Just try to relax and ENJOY your family. They don’t always have to do everything your way. They sound like they are great kids, so they must be doing something right.
Respect yes. But you are not giving them much respect back.
Let them raise their children the way they feel is right.
If your grandchildren are being beaten, malnurished, neglected, left home alone at a very young age, or some other *legitimate* form of abuse, yes, grandparents have every reason to show concern and step in to fix the situation.
As far as the material of a child’s shorts, or what the children sleep in, or whatever other trivial things like that are the choice of the parents. Would you have wanted someone to tell you that your choice in clothing for your child was “bad”?
you can use these rouses to be close but your going to be pushed away.you want to get in tight be cool get along be apart of their point of view.once there you can make bigger changes if needed.but please do let them learn through their own bumps and bruises now while its not as bad.cause later in life if they miss it now then it will recur where no one is around for them.
As you have done so well with your four boys, you should adopt another couple and leave your daughter-in-law some space… Or write a book for other interfering mothers-in-law as the world does not seem to have enough of them. Obviously.
It’s not like she’s abusing the kid, right? Let her bring up the kid, it’s hers before it’s yours.
i am a new mum my mother in law drives me nuts inter fearing with my child DOn’t stand him on his feet Don’t sit him upright, and she slops all over my baby which i cannot stand please take this form a new young mother DON’T DO IT we cannot stand it we are not stupid my partner has had a big fall out with her over this because she even went as far as to say she knows more than the doctors and health visitors and because like you she has had 4 kid does not make her an expert, i would advise you To keep your nose out unless you can see that the child is in any sort of danger because like i said my partner does not speak to his mum over this and as a result she does not see the baby and i’m sure you would not want this.
there is nothing more frustrating that someone telling you what to do things change from when you had babies too my mother in law smoked around all her kids, fed them honey on a dummy give them corks out of a fire, all things no one would dream of doing with their babies today.
– yes, they are;
– but they have to keep their opinions to themselves on issues like that (as I hope your mil did);
– and finally, i’ll add that it has finally occured to me that you are likely just be one of the most adept trolls i’ve encountered rather than an actual overbearing mil, in which case, my congratulations, because i usually spot trolls much sooner and you’ve certainly kept people riled up for a long time. The safety of teflon-coated clothing?
Yes, you raised four boys on your own- NOW it’s your D-I-L’s turn!!!
What you are describing is not ‘expressing legitimate concerns over a grandchild’s welfare.’ It is butting in and trying to tell you D-I-L how to be a mother. This is just going to **** her off and alienate you from your grandchildren. I understand that you are only doing this because you love your grandbabies, but it really isn’t your place.
If it’s at your house, then it’s your rules (especially if you’ve been left in charge of their care). But at the parent’s house, the parents make the rules. It’s quite simply really.
Parents with careers are more likely than not to be educated, so you needn’t worry about them not knowing what they are supposed to be doing to raise a child, you can bet that she will have done her research and read everything she could get her hands on, even if she doesn’t discuss it with you. Further more, it is VERY likely that she and your son have discussed and agreed upon their parenting techniques. They are trying to raise their kids, don’t add stress to their lives by telling them they are doing everything wrong. (as long as the baby is happy and healthy, there isn’t really a ‘wrong’ way to do things, different from how you did it doesn’t mean wrong).
if you want peace in the family – sometimes it is really necessary to bite one’s tongue and say nothing – hard to do – but if you want to be welcome and have contact with these children you apparently love a lot
this is gonna be necessary – they are their parents kids – remember when you were raising yours? and how much you just loved getting unwanted advice? Nuff said and good luck
Yes, I believe you have the right to be concerned about “some” things.
But I already don’t agree with 2 things you stated in this small paragraph.
First of all my son who is nearly 2 years old slept in his diaper all summer because it was hot! And yes it continued to be hot all through the night here in Calif. He honestly did not need or want his pjs on. And he never got sick!
Secondly, my son has a very strict routine and bedtime schedule. But we do change it on holidays, vacations, and family/friends birthday gatherings. I don’t see any problems with this, It’s MY decision, MY son! We don’t change his schedule on weekend.
I agree that you have the right to your opinion and to be concerned. It does Not mean your daughter-in-law will agree.
Of course you can be concerned but you have to let people run their own lives as they see fit, the parents are adults and have a right to bring up their children the way they want. All parents have different ideas. Just make sure your grandchildren know you care and try really hard not to fall out with your son and his wife. I notice you don’t mention your son, do you have a problem with his choice of partner? It would be wrong to involve the children in any disagreement you have or you could alienate yourself from both them and your son and daughter in law. That way you would loose out on enjoying your family. I am sure they will turn out to be fine healthy people, mostly because they have others who care about them.
I think that you need to let your son and daughter in law raise there children and make the decisions. I think I am a great mother. I stay at home with my son and he is #1 in my life. I love him more than words can say. But I will tell you what DRIVES me bonkers…. My husbands mother telling me what, when, where, why and how to do everything. As a grandmother you did your job and that was to raise your children to be self sufficient and respectable adults, so now it is time to let them do there job. I don’t think that there journey will be error proof but it will work. If the children are being abused, not being feed, being left alone, not cared for then by all means someone needs to be a voice for the child. However saying that if that is not the case the parents need to be the ones that make decisions concerning the welfare of the child.
I am not trying to be blunt, but I have a mother in law that is always in the middle of how things are done. It does nothing but hurt hers and my husbands relationship bc I demand that he tells his mother to mind her own business. She is always there to tell me woulda, shoulda, coulda…. It is my child and she was no where in the room when we conceived. So in no way shape or form can she tell me what is right for my child.
I love my mom and the way she is as a grandmother. If I need something she will say have you tried this, or maybe this will be helpful. Never is she head strong on what she wants, or how it needs to be.
She will never **** in unless I ask.
She is a wonderful grandmother bc she knows where her place.
She will always ask me b4 she feeds him something or changes something when she is keeping him.
Good luck and maybe you can take a few steps back and let her me a mother!
Yes, it is fair to be concerned for your grandchildren, and I think you are brilliant for doing so.
However your daughter-in-law is obviously feeling insecure about how you see her, i.e she feels like you don’t think she’s good enough. Make sure you tell her where she is doing well, tell her her children are beautifully behaved, that she’s done great at teaching them manners, or whatever she has done a great job with.
Also choose your battles, you do not want to seem like you are criticising everything, and some aspects are for parents to decide. Surely however you feel about bedtime routines, if your daughter-in-law is not keeping them up too late she is doing no overall harm etc.
Last, but not least, try to help in other ways that may help her appreciate you more (so she would be more likely to listen to your advice). Offer to look after them after school once a week or something so she can have some time to herself, the more she appreciates you the more willing she will be to listen to you.
I think that the problem is that you don’t acknowledge or respect the boundaries between your role as a grandparent and your D-i-L’s role as a mother. It seems as though you take it personally when your advice isn’t immediately accepted as gospel.
You say you are concerned for your grandsons and I have no doubt that you love them very much. But your motivation seems to be more about winning a battle with your daughter-in-law then about what’s best for your grandsons. This constant conflict certainly can’t be good for them!
Seriously, if you want to be respected for your ability as a mother, step back and respect your daughter-in-law’s ability as a mother.
BTW, chest infections are caused by viruses or bacteria, not by getting cold in the night or by sleeping without a PJ shirt.
I also am a grandparent. My wife and I make “suggestions” (sometimes “strong” suggestions) to our children and/or in-law children. We find that, if we give good reasons for our advice, most of the time it will be taken. Once in a while, however, advice is not taken. And that is the whole point of this writing: it is advice, not commandments.
Ultimately, it is your childrens’ decisions that matter. We can only back them up and should strongly interfere only when things are being done that are immoral and/or illegal. We had our chance when we raised our own and now it’s their turn.
By the way, if you “successfully raised four boys,” then stand back and let them do what you raised them for. And lastly, to answer your last question, YES, you deserve respect.
You must learn what is important to comment on, and offer it as advice but without belittling the parents.
Your comment about clothing is well meant but not really your concern.
You make a reasonable point about sleep patterns, but it is not always possible and you could discuss it, but the parents have to decide!
As far as sleep wear is concerned, that is ridiculous, I and my family have always slept ***** without any problem, it is actually healthier.
I am a grandfather of 8 with the eldest grandchild 15, so I do know what I am talking about!
Parents wil appreciate a bit of well meaning help, but if you try to ram your ideas down their throat you will only cause resentment!
I think for wearing underpants to bed is reason enough for the boys to be taken away from their home and placed in your custody,does your horrid DIL not realise that wearing fleecy tartan payjamas *will* protect them from every deadly infection known to mankind.
She does sound a wicked woman.
She lets them stay up after way past teatime, she takes them on nasty foreign holidays, she even had the audacity to take them for a break to *her* mothers when you told her she *must* not.
She lets them have spiky hairdo’s, play on bouncy castles, eat out in restaurants, wear trendy clothes, answer the phone, do their homework, not go to church, she even lets them wear long trouser to school when shorts were good enough for your boys, not only are they deadly teflon but she buys them from ASDA.
Good grief, the woman is a monster.
The sooner you get the social services round there the better.
Good grief!! Why are you harping and picking on just your daughter-in-law?? They are your son’s children too!!
Seriously, wind your neck in and back off! Are they neglected? Under-fed? Abused?…..So they’re not wearing pyjama’s? Cripes! Call social services!
The so called wisdom of ‘having had your own kids’ can also do harm you know as I found out the first time my Mum-in-law looked after our first born.
30 years since her last baby, we got a call saying he was vomitting 2 hours after we had gone out…turns out SHE in her infinite wisdom had put some cereal supplement in my expressed milk and he was 3 months old! He was in hospital for days with gastro-intenstinal problems so long that ****** feeding, as was my right and had been going so well, was no longer an option.
Step back and think at what your stupid nit picking is doing to your daughter in law and possibly causing her to get upset with your son because his mother is always picking faults and then if they end up splitting up over it because you won’t back down and he can’t take sides then I guess that won’t be right either.
NO-ONE would doubt your experience but also NO-ONE likes anyone that walks round like they are in the right and everyone elses way is wrong. Having children can be frightening and daunting and you should be there for SUPPORT and ADVICE when ASKED!!!
Stop being so self righteous and realise that your Grandchildren will remember and know and pick up how you feel about their Mum. I loved my Grandmother very much but I still, to this day think the way she talked about and treated my Mum was disgusting.
Oh and sorry…just a footnote…..you put this in the anti-bullying section???!! That’s a laugh! It sounds like you’re the bully! Leave her alone! YOU brought YOUR children up….let HER get on with HERS.
X-P
I agree with you on some points and disagree on others. Particularity with homework, children should not be carrying that much weight. Unfortantly that is now a fact of life for many school children, unless you want to turn a school into a war zone. As for pajamas, maybe she should a t-shirt, if a child throws the covers of and gets cold they will wake up, it isn’t that dangerous of a practice. As for his clothing material, pick your battles. and can not focus that long. I would hope that she considered your view and then decided that her view was better for her children. AS for bedtime, how bad is it. They probably will survive if they get at least 8 hours a night and a little fluctuation won’t hurt them, particularly if it means extending christmas a little longer. If they are consitantly getting 7 or less hours I could see your concernbut they are probally fine.
I would find it very hard to respect my mother-in-law were she posting rude, critical, nasty comments about me and my parenting skills on the World Wide Web.
A question such as:
‘I have read that teflon in clothes can be harmful to children and I know my daughter in law has bought teflon coated clothed for her kids. Does anyone have any concrete evidence about this and if so can you suggest how I can broach the subject with my daughter in law without sounding like I’m trying to interfere – I’m genuinely worried’
Is one thing.
Describing her as a bad mother is another thing altogether.
It’s all in the tone.
There is nothing wrong with being concerned. The problem comes when you make your concerns heard and they reject them you give the ultimatums, As in i won’t watch them. , or you keep telling them your opinion. It is there children and they have the right to parent the way they see fit and it is their choice not yours. My parents raised their kids and my mother does not want us to have cats she does not feel kids should have that fur and what not around them. She has made her point and we still have cats and she leaves it there. We feel it is right and that is OUR choice not hers. She choose for us not to have pets , my brother and I, and i always wanted them so now i am adult i have them and so will my kids.
You can be concerned but you have to let them make their mistakes or what you perceive as mistakes
ETA
There is actually no real reason for PJ’s it is an old wives tale that they will get chest infections if not covered. That has been scientifically proven. I slept in underpants until I was 17 and went to college never had phenomena, chest infection or anything like that. I still don’t sleep in proper pajamas. I sleep in old tee shirts and shorts. Even though it is cold here I don’t like things around my ankles. I rather pile more cover on. That is my choice
grandparents have no legal rights at all .. and its her child not your we all bring are kids up different .. its not your decision to make
Yes, you have every right to want to be involved in the children’s upbringing, but you do seem to suggest some negative feelings between you and the children’s mother, and if we can tell that you two don’t get on, the children will definitely be able to sense it too, and it could be quite damaging to them.
you didn’t choose her as part of your family but your son, who you nurtured and brought up (on your own, i believe, excuse me if im wrong..) did choose her, and im sure that you’ll be the first to say it, you didn’t raise any fools, so there must be something good about her?
i agree with you 1000% over the homework issue, and then we have gordon brown handing out laptops to children then complaining that the majority of children are obese!!! madness!!
I don’t understand the Teflon issue….maybe she was buying a cheaper alternative to what you would choose? …boys will be boys, they will go through so many pairs of trousers through a school term, maybe she was looking to keep costs down.
i completely agree with the bedtimes, children need an adequate amount of sleep to be able to mentally grow and be able to absorb information, plus its healthy for the parents to have alone time without the kids.
im sure she does respect you, as do 99% of the people on here (you’re bound to get idiots anywhere), but you and your daughter-in-law both have to accept that you were both raised in different era’s, you have you methods and she has hers and, as difficult as it might seem, if its not putting the children in any danger you just have to keep your mouth shut and go with the flow.
Joan, wake up and smell the bitterness.
Your DIL is going to decide one day that she has had enough of you constantly criticizing her, and not allow you to see them at all.
She gave birth to them, not you. And they’re going to get annoyed, too.
Where is your son in all this? And if you DO have four boys, what happened to them?
Where are the other three? Where are those grandchildren?
Joan
You seem to think you know everything but you are very ignorant in some respects.
You don’t get colds or chest infections from being cold, they are caused by viruses, you have complained about them not wearing pyjamas many times but no matter how many people tell you this you ignore them, why ask for advice, you never listen to a word of it? go and read some facts about the common cold.
Everyone tells you to leave your DIL alone but you chose to ignore it and then repeat the same ridiculous questions.
Why should your DIL listen to any advice you give her when you have never listened to anyone’s advice on here?
Give her some respect and she might respect you.
Joan, I think it is natural for any grandparent to love and care for their grand kids.however it can often be a fine line between showing our concern for their welfare and butting in.The trick is to know when not to cross the line.Of course,over time and life experience, most parent learn to adapt their parenting to be a good fit for their household.I agree with you that regular routines are better for a child but I see no harm in making exceptions for special occasions or as a reward for good behaviour.Unfortunately the educational system has increased its expectations for learning to a higher level.I don’t know if every child will be able to reach some of these targets and even teachers do not agree with some of the changes.They unfortunately are forced to teach a board ( and ministry) approved curriculum. I think that at times kids are missing out on just being kids.There seems to be such pressure to succeed at an accelerated rate, to compete and be over achievers .Joan, all I can suggest is try to respect your son and daughter-in-laws rules for raising their children. when in your care.You don’t want to ever be on the outside and wishing they could spend time with you.I don’t doubt you love your grand sons Try to build bridges and not walls so you continue to have a relationship with yourgrandsons.
Advice to concerned grandparents, yes. Pandering to an obsessive troll who talks about her DIL *neglecting* her children because she lets them not wear pajamas in bed.
Neglect is when children go without food or clean clothes for DAYS not just not wearing pyjamas in bed.
Get a grip of yourself, your family hates you. They are counting down the days until you top yourself with too much cooking sherry and valium.
You are a deadweight to them and everybody else. You have never worked a day in your life, you have no friends, your family can’t wait to get shot of you. None of your sons want to know you. Your DIL and son put up with you because you are a handy babysitter.
BUTT out you had your chance with your children now its your children chance to raise their OWN children you should be there if they ask for your opinion Your a grandparent you not a parent
I think grandparents do have the legitimate right to be concerned over their grandchildren’s welfare, but I think grandparents have to be wise, and pick their fights.
Quite frankly, quarrels over pyjjamas are not something I would raise, other than a quick suggestion. I value my relationship with my daughters in law highly, and respect them and our relationship. and there’s no way I would offend them by saying something that could be considered as interfering.
I too don’t like all the homework kids get, but again, there is a value in learning to keep your mouth shut. It is very easy to simply shut a critical and judgemental grandparent out of your life (and I have done this when my boys were in their teens, when I thought I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown – the best thing I have ever done! The freedom I now feel!).
Yes, of course children need a routine, but who makes these rules? And why shouldn’t parents use their own discretion. Certainly, my own younger children went to bed much later on weekends and during the holidays. and they’ve survived!
I too have raised my two sons, and no, I don’t want my relationship to be based on respect. I want it to be based on love, affection and support. My inlaws made my life a misery, and I felt a real relief when they died. Is that what you want?
Of course not. Please consider how your grandchildren and children must feel. Your sons are these children’s parents – trust their judgement – you raised them well. Trust your own parenting skills – they’re good boys who are now good men.
Of course Grandparents can have concerns about their grandchildren. But some of the concerns that you have seem to be a little bit trivial!? For me the Teflon thing is a bit OTT!!
I agree with the homework. Children are at school all day and then an hours worth of homework I feel for an 8 year old is way too much (similar thing with my own 8 year old!!!) They need to be able to relax and have some time as well. My 8 year old is allowed to stay up later on the weekends and this doesn’t effect his weekday routines in the slightest.
I think if you feel so strongly you should take to your son and his wife. You seem to think its only your DIL that you need to berate and I don’t understand why because its a 2 parent family. I know that my mum doesn’t always agree with the way that I am bringing up my sons (I do things differently than she did) and she tells me what she thinks. She has brought her 3 children up perfectly well and this has stood me in good stead for bringing up my 2 boys but I will do it my way and she knows this. They have everything they need. Food, Clean Clothes, Clean Home all of the basis and then more. My mum accepts this and supports me and when I need help I will ask.
I think you should let them get on with it and if there is things that you feel so strongly about just sit down with them and have a chat and I’m sure they will tell you why it is the way it is.
I do not mind either my mum or mother in law giving me advice, but at the end of the day it is up to me whether I use it.
Some of the things that they did when they brought their own children up is not necessarily the way that I wish to bring my daughter up.
My daughter is well fed, happy and loved so I do not believe that I ma doing a bad job the way that I bring her up.
I think grandparents should be allowed to give opinions and some advice as long as it is not always running the parents down to how they bring their children up, assuming they know better even though times have changed and in other words be like YOU.
You are always assume that just because you brought your sons up, you know better. My mum raised 4 children of her own. She had 3 boys and a girl and she never says she knows everything. Like my mum has always told me is every child is different, so what works for one may not work for another.
My mu is great because she never interferes and the same can be said for my mother in law.
If you were my mother in law you would be having no access to my child at all. It is not good for your grandsons to hear you always putting their mother down, yet your son gets no blame at all. He must know how the boys are being raised. So he must be happy with it or is too much of a wimp to tell his wife he does not agree
Joan these are all old arguments. Try and think what you would have felt like if you had a mother in law who continually interfered with every thing you did or said. My mother in law caused so much trouble in my life telling me what to do and what my girls should be wearing her ideas were out of the ark. She wanted my youngest daughter to be dressed in a kilt and woollen twin set for Gods sake could you have imagined what her life would have been like if she went to school in that. You have every right to be concerned about your grand sons but only in a healthy way not the obsession you have. My mother in law raised her family mostly by herself she had a husband there but he was an evil alcoholic who spent all the money on drink and she had to beg and borrow to feed them but the silly fool never left him. She had nothing in the end. When I had my children she didn’t like the fact that I made sure the girls had good food and by that I don’t mean expensive food also I bought new clothes for them it was a struggle but they came first in the pecking order they got what they needed not what they wanted. I encouraged them to take up sports,music or what ever they wanted but she didn’t like that I was trying to keep up with the Jonses she would say. On and on she would go complaining like Hell that I had a washing machine and then when I got a tumble dryer that was the end she just wouldnt shut up that even after drying the clothes I had to air them for 2 weeks have you ever heard anything so rediculous she didnt even have a change of clothes for her lot but I was expected to have enough to let every thing air for 2 weeks. She was just an old jealous interfearing ***** with a magor chip on her shoulder. She couldnt be happy that her grand children were better provided for and had a better life than she could do for her own children. So maybe Joan do you think that you are a bit jealous that your daughter in law has an easier life than you had and her family have more than you were able to provide for your own?
Joan, I for one *love* reading your questions. I’m sure these issues mean a great deal to you, but I personally think some of them are a little trivial. And were your boys really as perfect as you make out?
The serious point to all this is as follows: as everyone constantly reminds you, you are not the mother of these children. Bringing up your worries on Y!A is fine and actually quite enjoyable for many of us, but I sincerely hope you are not making your daughter in law’s life a misery with all your concerns.
There seems to be little *loving* coming across in your questions. Everyone picks up on it, as instead of genuine concern for your grandsons, you seem more worried about scoring points off of your DIL.
As I have said in the past, I do agree with you on some of your issues. I also believe that you love your family. However, if you use Y!A as a forum for venting about your DIL, people will attack you. Fact.