ztt_66 asked:

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew ‘Freddie’ Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two- team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British.

Ben Hunt

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they’re telling us we are living too long and there’ll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they’d make their minds up.

John

‘Alton Towers – Where the magic never ends’, or so the commercial says.

Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

Colin Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.

L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I’d just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife’s minge. He hasn’t seen my wife’s, so who’s had the last laugh?

P, Leeds

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked ‘What ‘C’ would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with? ‘to which I confidently replied ‘c ##t’. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately! Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one’s family?

Noel, Leeds

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson’s remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn’t anywhere near as funny as the original?

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They’ve obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road

Alan J., London

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.

Les, Barnsley

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven’t told the poor sods?

John Campbell, e-mail

With reference to that series “Manhunt”, where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don’t the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the **** quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.

Shuggie, e-mail

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of “There is Nothing Left to Lose” by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is “satisfied that David Kelly took his own life”. He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn’t this taking gloating just a little too far?

Dave Owen, Edinburgh

I never worry about the destination when I’m going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.

Stan

What’s all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world’s oldest mum? My mum’s 77. Beat that.

Chris K asked:

It’s hard to live with a nurse because…

1) When you forget to flush the toilet, you get a complete analysis with a plan on how to correct any noted problems.

2) Thanksgiving dinner comes in pre-cut small pieces because she doesn’t want to have to perform the Heimlich maneuver and be reminded of work on the only holiday she’s had off in years.

3) You’ve been awakened from a dead sleep in the middle of the night to find her shaking you because your breathing patterns were a little too close to a Cheyne-Stokes rhythm.

A little 8 year old boy wanted to be circumcised when he realized he looked different than dad and his friends. The day after the proceedure he returned to school. During class, he became uncomfortable and asked for permission to go to the nurse. When he arrived at her office, he hesitated and finally just asked if he could call his mother. Sensing this was personal, the nurse stepped into the hall and closed the door to allow him privacy. Several minutes later the little boy came out of her office and the nurse noticed his ***** was sticking out of his pants. “Where are you going?” she asked. “Back to class,” said the boy. “But you can’t go back like that!” explained the nurse. “I have to,” stressed the boy. “My mother said that if I could just stick it out until lunchtime, she would come and pick me up.”

How can you tell who is the head nurse of a facility?
She’s the one with dirty knees.

On a busy Med/Surg floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient’s condition. “This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exacty.” The doctor then began listing orders:
“You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between. Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. Give range of motion every thirty minutes. He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times. Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes. You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well.”

The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient’s room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient. The nurse started, “The doctor said that you will live.” Then quickly reveiwing the orders, the nurse added, “But you will have to learn a new sport.”

changchunkit asked:

Puzzle 1 (Easy)
This problem conceals the name of a movie. Look for synonyms & miscellaneous word play to find the distorted title.

Example: Sidereal Battles

The answer is STAR WARS.

Room Barrier Avenue

A ROOM WITH A VIEW
IN THE WHITE ROOM
WALL STREET
THE GREAT BARRIER REEF
THE WALL
PENNY LANE

Puzzle 2 (Easy)
If a gray cube has one side painted white, exactly one color pattern is formed. Regardless of which side was painted, the cube could be rotated to reproduce the same pattern. The same is true if one side is painted black and all of the other sides are unpainted. How many different patterns are possible if one side is painted white, and another side is painted black?

one
two
three
four
five
six

Puzzle 3 (Easy)
I’m somebody who you might find in the western part of Africa, not a weredog from Australia! What am I?

wereman
weredingo
werejackal
manjackal
mandingo
None of the above

Puzzle 4 (Easy)
ODD ONE OUT PUZZLER

Decide what word or name does not belong with the others. Look for the BEST answer.

parfait
chow
poodle
boxer
briard
maltese

Puzzle 5 (Easy)
In what elevated place can you find talented felines?

The Rocky Mountains
The Catskill Mountains
Catalonia
Academy of Performing Arts (fifth floor)
The Eiffel Tower
A Hot Tin Roof

Free Career Test – Take this test to identify careers that match your personality.

Puzzle 6 (Medium)
Decide what should replace the ? in the following analogy:

Foul smelling, not loud is to NOISOME as An Islamic individual, not a male bodybuilder is to ?

MUCHOMAN
ATHLITE
JOCKE
MUSSULMAN
TUGHMAN
None of the above

Puzzle 7 (Medium)
What character who was an Old West hero has:

Part of the name of a California city

Part of the name of an actor who played a famous police officer

The name of a model of car?

Billy “Corvette” Clanton
Doc “Pepper” Holiday
Joe “Falk” Dalton
Robert Frisco de Camero
Peter Savallas
Don Diego de la Vega

Puzzle 8 (Medium)
I mean sneaky, not a demarcation that you must pay to cross. What am I?

tricky
surreptitious
disingenuous
feline
fraudulent
None of the above

Puzzle 9 (Hard)
Here is a 2 part puzzler. You must get both parts right:

1. Monday lily Island tide

A word is associated with all of the above items. What is the word?

2. 92278622?

Above is the answer to the first problem, but written in an unusual way. The last number is missing. What is it?

Christmas and 7
Christmas and 3
Easter and 5
Easter and 2
Cutthroat and 6
Cutthroat and 1

Puzzle 10 (Hard)
I am a bird. Remove my last 5 letters, and you have something related to a matrix. Also, if you remove the first letter of a word that I also am, you have someone who is not a fighter. What am I?

neospore
gridilane
pidgeon
numididae
dotterel
pintail

IAN HAMER asked:

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew ‘Freddie’ Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British.
Ben Hunt

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they’re telling us we are living too long and there’ll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they’d make their minds up.
John

‘Alton Towers – Where the magic never ends’, or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colin Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.
P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I’d just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife’s m!nge. He hasn’t seen my wife’s, so who’s had the last laugh?
P, Leeds

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked ‘What ‘C’ would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?’ to which I confidently replied ‘<unt’. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately! Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one’s family?
Noel, Leeds

My friend’s mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?
Alun Daniel

I’ll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a ********* or both.
Alan Thakray

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson’s remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn’t anywhere near as funny as the original?

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They’ve obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road
Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson’s Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.
T Barnham, London

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.
Les, Barnsley

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the ‘N’ word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son’s football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it’s one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven’t told the poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series “Manhunt” where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don’t the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, e-mail

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of “There is Nothing Left to Lose” by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is “satisfied that David Kelly took his own life”. He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn’t this taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley’s recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown “da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!” sound as he took his final breaths.
Tripod

I never worry about the destination when I’m going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan

What’s all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world’s oldest mum? My mum’s 77. Beat that.
Thomas J